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Truly Useless Observances for April 2026

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

#Stately: Exalted Commander Farctate Retires

By Olivia LaSarde
February 7, 2007

State Administration of Human Services and Health Related Stuff Exalted Commander Roger Farctate retired last Tuesday, officially concluding his eighteen-year run as his self-proclaimed "Guiding Light of Public Servitude." Farctate helped mark the day by showing up the last two working days of the month after taking much of the month off.

"It's going to be sad not being part of something like this," Farctate said at a breakfast held in his honor, attended by close friends and family and SAHSHRS co-workers who gave up two hours of annual leave for the pancake feast. "I really felt we worked harder and tougher the last three or four years and not to be there with you when you all see the end of it just eats at my heart."

After a brief ceremony where Farctate was awarded the Glazed Cross for continuing support of health-related causes, Farctate hit the office one last time, sitting in on meetings, making decisions and doing some last minute hiring and firing.

"You wouldn't know it was last day," Associate Commissioner of Internal Accounts Gail Furtner said. "He's on the go, involved like he is everyday and getting his hands dirty in things his successor will have to clean up. I bet he [Farctate] enjoys all this last minute excitement."

The successor, Lewis "Sweet T" Bailey, has been getting groomed the last two months and is ready to take the oath Wednesday morning. Farctate has had nothing but kind words for his heir. "I wish everyone a great new year, and I feel you'll enjoy working with Commander Bailey. He's a good man and a good friend -- things are in good hands with Sweet T."

Bailey, rumored to be under heavy sedation until his unveiling Wednesday morning, had no comment.

As the end of the day came, Farctate said good-bye to well-wishers stopping in and out of his office, waiting until after five to make any comments. "My memories of the people, the opportunities and the experience leave me with a feeling of gratitude and pride, as well as being able to boast the most people getting on Phrenocaid during my tenure as exalted commander. Though the last few years have been stressful and challenging, I feel they were the most rewarding of all my years of service."

Not always the most popular figure with some of his staff, Farctate used his retirement to break bread with is his detractors, helping to light the eternal effigy that would burn forever in the Garden of Good Turns, a two-acre park built on the site of a former clinic. The park will soon feature a seven-foot tall statue of Farctate and feature plaques of his accomplishments.

"Never before have I worked around such a talented and focused person," Farctate said at end of his final day. "I'm the best and replacing me will be impossible."

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