#Stately: Survey Results Destroyed

by "Poor Old" Johnny Ray
August 16, 2006

Results of a recently completed survey undertaken by the State Administration of Human Services and Health Related Stuff were permanently ruined when the agency's hired primate defecated Monday afternoon.

Bo-Jo, the state-employed orangutan, is being blamed for the destruction that involved using the sixty-six-page report as a means for cleansing himself. The SAHSHRS Exalted Commander and other state officials have mixed feelings on the crisis.

"It's too bad that it had to happen," researcher Micah Jacobson said upon hearing the news. "It took nearly five months to compile all the surveys from all over the different campuses across the state, crunch thousands of number, construct diagrams and charts and then organize them into some sort of document. Bo-Jo went and ruined our work with a bowel movement."

Deputy Commissioner Jolene Flurtez, one of the survey organizers, was less pessimistic. "There's a good chance a lot of what was in the outcomes was all wrong - bad data and so forth. It's probably best that the information was lost so our mistakes don't show through. We can always do another survey in another month or so after a hiring splurge."

In the middle of this is Bo-Jo, who since 1995 is the state's only employed non-service animal. Working with the state agency for the past two years, Bo-Jo has had mixed feelings with others on staff. A great many seem to find the hiring of a primate "cute," while a small percentage has found the very idea ludicrous.

This small proportion of employees against Bo-Jo cites the numerous problems the orangutan as caused. "He's been nothing been trouble: formatting computers, loosing paperwork, causing people to arrive exactly seven minutes late daily, writing scripts in his spare time, and God knows what else. Now he's gone and ruined someone's hard work! What next?" asked employee Ursula Kilpatrick. "I've never seen the creature but it sure has made a mess for too many people."

The animal's trainer, Trent Saber, says that Bo-Jo is just missing something all other employees take for granted: co-workers. "It's nothing more than loneliness," Saber said. "If we could hire more animals then I think Bo-Jo would lighten up and fly right. Maybe an elephant, perhaps a panda bear or another jackass. I think it would do everyone a bit of good."