#Stately: Fellow Employee Seems to Have "Invisible Touch"

by Donald Keyjote
August 30, 2006

In a stunning declaration from State Administration of Human Services and Health Related Stuff staff member Douglas Lander, a fellow Provider Relations employee, whose name has not been disclosed pending confirmation, reportedly has what Lander described only as an "invisible touch."

Lander, who claims to have been waiting, waiting there so long, believes that nothing could ever go wrong. "I finally now know she has some sort of built-in ability to seize everything she catches sight of," Lander said, providing many months worth of sketches, diagrams and other analytical data to prove his hypothesis. His theory, however lop-sided or misguided: she seems to have an invisible touch.

Utilizing his statistics, Lander explained how she reached in and grabbed right hold of your heart, thereby proving without a doubt that the woman did in fact have an invisible touch, yeah. "Based on the angle of trajectory, shown in Appendix C subsection 1.3, it proves to me without a shadow of doubt that it takes control and slowly tears you apart."

Lander's co-workers were skeptical of his research.

"Well, I don't really know her, I only know her name," contractor Bill Vincent said via email, honoring the woman's request to remain anonymous. "I've been told she can crawl right under your skin, and after that you're never quite the same."

Others felt the opposite, like Jillian Stadol: "She's got something you just can't trust. It's something mysterious."

"She don't like losing, to her it's still a game," said Randy Lee, a state-employed courier. "And though she will mess up your life, you'll want her just the same." However, after being given a high-level outline of Lander's research and studying it for ten minutes, Lee concedes he may have misjudged. "I now understand about the built-in capability to snatch up everything she spots. It would seem I've fallen, fallen for her."

Lander believes others, like Lee, will in time see that she seems to have an invisible touch, yeah. "I've shown how she has the power to reach right in and grab right hold of your heart and that with this invisible touch, it could easily take control and slowly tear you apart."

Attempt to contact the woman prior to publishing were unsuccessful.